queenofseers | ic inbox (mask or menace)

[he just grunts; after gaining and losing so many found families, archie can't help it constantly weighing on his mind.]

I don't plan to use it as an ace in the hole, or anything. Just so he knows we're not trying to push him into something neither of us have no experience with. If he dismisses it, then it'll be what it is.

[it doesn't bother archie-- at least... he doesn't think it does. is that how he truly feels? he's not sure. when it comes to how he actually feels about anything, it's so habitually repressed it's just kind of a dark fog.]

It's just... going to be harder if Rex needs it as well and refuses to even consider it. I'd rather he weight his options instead of kneejerk, but... I guess we gotta accept that it might not even be something that happens. Forcing it would be against the entire point.

[ Cassandra's expression contorts into something a little somber. She's thought Rex needed to really explain his worldview to someone, too- to really comprehend how little he's valuing himself. ]

If Rex can't understand why the shit he says about himself is upsetting from me, I'm not sure he'll want to hear it from a stranger. But he should. I fucking hate it when he talks like that. And he gets so defensive that we can't even talk about it. We practically fought on Christmas about it.

He makes me feel like I'm out of my mind sometimes. Is caring about people this much always like this? Because it kind of makes me miserable.

A stranger who's trained to know why he's responding the way he is, [he offers, a little lamely. he doesn't actually know what rex's exact problems are, but... he's a soldier, right? so theoretically he must have problems common to soldiers.

ironically, archie currently thinks rex has quite a good opinion of himself. he sighs.] I didn't know it was so bad, though. Have you... told him how badly it affects you when he responds like that?

[he looks out the window as the cab drives on. he can't help but think about all the people he cared greatly for that were ported out when they were on bad terms. matt and brendan are just two of them.]

...Yeah. Especially when they need help and you can't do shit all about it. It fucking hurts so much sometimes it feels like it was a complete mistake to trick yourself into thinking feeling for anyone was a good idea [wow okay project more], but... you'd rather have your relationship with him, even when it's like this, than be without him, right?

There’s got to be someone who knows how to deal with...the military. That sort of thing. I don’t know, you could probably make the argument most of us need therapy no one’s equipped to give- whatever.

[ Ugh; Archie’s question about telling Rex how she feels makes her grimace. She shrugs. ] Yeah, I think I’ve made that clear. He just keeps telling me there’s no reason for me to feel that way and that there’s plenty of reasons I don’t need to care. And, sure, things are pretty good for him right now, but...

[ And why are things good? Because he’s got Martin, and Andy. Her too, she supposes. Although- she’s speaking before she realizes the thought has crossed her mind. ]

Honestly, as long as he’s got Martin and Andy, he’ll be happy. There’s probably some alternate timeline somewhere that just has us as distant acquaintances where things are just fine.

[ Harsh, she thinks to herself. But no matter how close she and Rex are, she sincerely thinks it could be true. ]

Definitely. I'd rather try and get help than just wave it off and continue to suffer and get worse and worse.

[he frowns, trying to ignore the immediate thoughts he gets like, maybe it's one-sided? he really didn't think rex was... like this. that he'd make her feel so bad, be told, then just wave it off? he doesn't know what to think and honestly, doesn't really want to think about it at all.]

You live with him, you ridiculous woman. Do you really think if you up and left they'd just shrug and continue on? Maybe there is a timeline where you're that, but it's not this one!

I’m just worried about them getting upset and making it bad when it wouldn’t have been. Or hiring the wrong person and proving what they’re worried about.

[ Cassandra bristles a bit at Archie’s words and waves a hand, as if dismissing him. She doesn’t think he’s seen her point. ]

They wouldn’t shrug, but- it’d be fine. Not like it’d be if Martin lost his dad, or Rex lost his kid. [ Suddenly, another angle of this strikes her, and she looks away, glancing out the window. ]

It’s probably better that way. Who the fuck knows what the Porter will do with me once I have to die.

Understandable concerns, but that's why we're being so careful about hiring. I've already been through about twenty I don't think'll fit the bill. I think... with the sort of thing that's wrong with all the crap that happens... there's a high chance it'll only get worse, anyway. People will keep porting out and Martin will keep thinking he's being abandoned and that he's the cause of all ill in the world.

[he looks over at her, concern showing on his face.]

No, but they'd be losing a close friend, wouldn't they? [...] You might-- you'll probably come back. That happens, sometimes. It's not guaranteed, but... if you look at the statistics of imPorts who've died then come back through the Porter, it's high. Not that that's a comforting thought.

Twenty...? Hell. [ She shrugs, though, perhaps trying to cope with a bit of humor. ] But I guess there’s not a lot of therapists around here specializing in child soldiers. Let alone people who could talk Martin out of thinking he’s some sort of demon.

[ She’s obviously bitter about that. If Cassandra could fix things instantaneously, she wouldn’t have let Martin think that about himself, and she would have altered things months ago. ]

I get that. It’s what I try to tell people so they stop pestering me about it. But- maybe I’m being an idiot. I should be preparing for the shittest thing to happen.

Hmm... I'm trying to find private ones instead of tossing him into a system. So far there's only really been one that seems good with intense child PTSD and anxiety, but of course I can't promise them anything until Rex gives the a-okay.

[he shakes his head and while he doesn't say anything, it's clear in his expression he feels the same way she does.

the cab pulls up outside the new house. archie pauses before he gets out.]

I think you're faced with something horrific, and however you handle it leaves little room for criticism. It must be unimaginably hard preparing for the best case scenario, let alone the worst.

Tell Rex about keeping it out of the system. It might make him feel better.

[ If her assumptions are right about Rex’s worries, at least.

Cassandra sighs as she opens the door, honestly a little embarrassed to have all of that discussed where the driver could hear it, but it’s not like they could help it. She doesn’t respond until she’s closed it behind her, looking over at him with a firm expression. ]

You don’t have to say the obvious. I never fucking know if I want to talk about this more or less. See? You can tell I really don’t know if I can say it right now.

When I find someone I'm willing to put forward seriously, sure.

[archie has even less of an idea about rex's worries than cass-- the closest idea he had was just relating it to his last bad experience with a younger import and therapy that made him feel shitty. it could be something completely different.

following:] You don't have to know. Let's just... maybe not talk about it. If we can. If I start crying again I'm gonna jump out a window.

Is that you asking to stay outside? Because it’s fucking cold, and I don’t want a broken window.

[ That’s her equivalent of a joke, but it sounds serious. She’s bad at this. She opens the door, walking in without any gestures- too distracted. ]

Where are you even living now, anyway? I know you keep going around because this world is bullshit and every place is miserable.

[ She cringes- wow, Cassandra, blunt. ]

Fine, fine, I'll open it politely like a normal person before I jump.

[ugh!! he follows to the kitchen, going to get a drink. one of andy's beers, of course.]

Moved to Nonah, [he says, with a shrug.] Got fuckin' sick of waking up alone where I was staying before. Don't even know why I'm still fucking stupid enough to let myself form familial bonds with people.

[he pulls the cap off, chugs it.]

I think I'm on... hmm... fourth, now? Maybe fifth.

Right to a drink? Serious.

[ But she already knows that. “Familial bonds” is a certain type of phrasing, isn’t it? ]

How do any of us get close to people like that around here? It’s such a bad idea and it keeps happening. Hell, I...never felt anything like that for anyone back in my world, and here Rex is practically my brother. Which- I guess makes Martin my nephew, but sure, that makes enough sense. And also fucking doesn’t, because what the fuck?

[ She huffs as she sits down abruptly in one of the kitchen chairs, it scratching across the floor a bit. ]

Technically I’m on my third. But none of them felt like...this. [ She tenses. She doesn’t like to think about this, but can’t hide that it’s occurred to her right now. ] What am I even going to do if they’re not here? How do you live with this all the time?

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaauuup. [said as he takes another drink. he's finished the bottle already. he goes over to put it in the bin, but doesn't go for another one.] Sometimes you just gotta.

We're still beings that desire connections and love of any kind, no matter how much of a caffeine-fueled robot we pretend to be, or no matter how much we insist everything is fine. [he looks a little surprised at her evaluation of rex and martin, but doesn't dwell on it.] Like I said, despite all the pain it causes you'd rather have them than not, aye?

[he sighs, leans against the counter.]

I don't know. I hardly handle it well when they leave. I still think that loving someone is the worst feeling I've ever felt, but here we are. [he makes a face.] Can I break through this depressing curse to say for five seconds to just focus on what you've got while you have it?

[it turns out he can, because despite his cynicism, archie is still an optimistic person at his core.]

Maybe one day they won't be here, but they are now.

Hey, if you keep going there, slow down. That’s not healthy. And you’ll owe Andy money. [ She’s not enabling alcoholism, Archie.

As for the rest of what he says- she’s had similar feelings, but she’s not the type to put it so elegantly. Sure, she’s a writer, but she’s blunt. ] I was just going to say this is fucked up.

[ But she clearly appreciates it, though she can’t relate to his advice. ] I wish I could. I just...I look at everything here and I know that it could just dissolve at any time. I can’t ever be happy with that. Not until we figure out how to change it.

If she even notices. She's welcome to come collect whenever she wants.

[he feels like she wouldn't care, but shrugs. there's a reason he's not going for another one, but it's mostly because he doesn't want to make cass uncomfortable. god, on top of everything, at least her addition is coffee.]

I get that. I don't like my first reaction, because it's always a that's a mistake kneejerk. Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely happy for people when they find connections like you have or when they propose or whatever the fuck else, but... yeah. All I can think of is when it's gonna fall apart, and when they'll be left alone or lucky enough to be ported out together.

[right back into depressing shit. cool! thanks poe.]

Having drive to want to solve this mystery is good. I won't deny that. You got a brain the size of a planet and you're putting it to use in a way that many other imPorts don't bother because they take this for granted then get surprised when they lose people they depend on. But Cass-- you mustn't let that drive override your entire life. It may dissolve, but you want to experience what you have before it does. 'Cause if you don't, then Atropos or Lachesis or whoever the fuck wins.

Archie, no offense, but how is it not supposed to override my entire life? It is my life! Fuck, it's all of our lives. I hate that right now we're all going to go back and this will just be...erased. An entire fucking year of my life.

[ The implication is obvious. She can't stop herself from going for it anyway: ]

You already know this is the only thing I'm going to have, soon. I'm never going to think it's okay to just...send Rex back to everyone around him dying, or Martin back to whatever fucked up shit they put him through. I'll finally relax once we're all safe!

[ She gets Archie's point- she truly does. But with whatever's affecting them going around, and with the mood she's been in preparing to find Atropos- all of it flows out of her, easily. All things she needed to say to someone. ]

[he crosses his arms, looking down to the floor a little. nods.]

I know. Eventually, it'll be the only thing any of us left here will have. I think it's very noble of you to be doing this with the goals you have in mind instead of just looking for more power and control like others have. Don't get the wrong idea about what I think you're doing, not that I expect my own feelings on the matter mean anything.

[suppose it is like that in a way, but that's evidently how archie really thinks about it.]

But watching you be willing to go far enough with this to start unraveling and destroying yourself...

[she'll go to far. everyone always goes too far. even archie goes too far all the time.]

Yeah, like destroying myself would fucking matter when I'm going to be dead in a few months anyway.

[ Even she thinks that's harsh, she realizes, grimacing as she says it. Cassandra can't look at him- she stares into the distance, putting one hand on the back of her neck. All of this is obvious; not really something she hid. She'd just tried to keep much of it quiet. And it's not often people directly point out what she's doing to herself. ]

It's the only way we're going to find everything out. I can't just stop. Why would I?

[he can't help himself flinching a little at that.]

I'm not saying I think you should stop. I'm saying I think it's worth slowing down so you don't kill yourself earlier.

Edited (WHAT AN AWFUL IUCON TO POST THIS WITH) 2019-03-01 17:42 (UTC)

Again. The fact that I'm going to die isn't changing, Archie.

[ None of this is particularly a secret. But something about saying it in the circumstances of the day, and this conversation, is clearly grating on her. She stands back up, going to the coffee machine and- if it's possible- smacking on the buttons and knobs a bit too hard. ]

I can't- this is fucking exhausting. Either this is going to knock me out or prevent me from getting any sleep at all.

I know, you just--

[he sighs, looks away.]

Deserve better.

So I’ve been told.

[ Usually, she thinks the same way. But on occasion she remembers things she’s done- the way people say she treats the Norns, the circumstances around Dionysus’ demise- and wonders if that’s wrong.

But she’s met people with a lot more on their plates, here. Somehow. ]

...At this point? Even with all the bullshit you said you pulled back in your world? I think you probably do, too.

I don't know if I do.

[he frowns, trying to stop emotion welling up again. he digs his nails into his palms, irritated.]

You don't believe me when I say you deserve better, do you? You don't believe anyone.

ic inbox (mask or menace)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)